whatever

Ask me what ideology i hold for anything. I'm more likely to have an opinion or comment. However, when it comes down to me putting my ideology to practice, i am soft. Which really gets me into trouble.

I don't know where to start about how I feel or what I am thinking. I am in a confused state of mind. My reasonings (head) oppose my feelings (heart). I feel one way but I know I should be holding on to what I believe in.

The problem is, can I accept everything about a person when I know it upsets me and a barrier for me to get over. I have been contemplating this over and over again but as stated in my previous post, when i thought i could get over someone's 1 section of the history, why do i still get upset when i find out another section of his history? That really threw me again against the wall to think about if i really COULD accept the fact.

I don't want to jump in a relationship knowing that there are alot of uncertainties and hard facts for me to accept. I don't wanna be unfair for him and me.

I've always given (myself) and others advise that you cannot be emotionally attached when you make objective assessments of any situations. For eg. a teacher marking assignments; I tend to favour assignments whom students I like more in the class, hence if their assignments aren't up to my expectations, I would still give them a slightly higher marks. Which I know it's wrong, but I should mark the assignments objectively (as in mark each assignment equally and fairly). I've told myself that next time if i was to mark assignments, i would not look at their names whose assignment i'm marking, so i wouldn't mark higher or lower based on favourism. .................. So back to what I am talking about before, I realise my ideal or average level of expectations aren't met and I am making exceptions for this person. Which I should be asking myself (i already am) why am I doing this. Later I'll probably suffer as a result of my ignorance. My head tells me I shouldn't be stepping further into this situation but my actions and heart do otherwise. That's why I don't wanna step into a relationship unless I am fine with everything, which I am not at the moment. Sad but true. Harsh fact to admit but it's the truth.


ps: if you get offended by this post, it is only INTENDED for me to release my thoughts and blabberings. It is not intended to write off anyone.